


A Year Worth Living

by Sarah_Ellie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-08
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 20:31:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/507442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah_Ellie/pseuds/Sarah_Ellie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam had always known that their childhood kept him and Dean from experiencing some "normal" things, but with time running out before Dean's contract with the crossroads demon expires, he decides to try and make up for lost time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Year Worth Living

The whole thing had started about six months after Dean sold his soul. Dean was driving the Impala, foot all but weighted onto the gas pedal, and Sam was sitting quietly in the passenger seat. Between them stretched the realization that they may not be able to break Dean’s deal. They had been hunting for something, anything that would release the death sentence that had been issued, but nothing was turning up. Finally they had trapped a devil high up enough on the food chain and heard for the hundredth time that there was no way to release Dean. No demon would break a contract with the head Crossroads demon.

  
They decided to hole up in a cabin that had once belonged to Pastor Jim. It had been in his family for years, and it hadn’t been sold after his death. The Winchesters had used the cabin as a resting spot a few times a year for most of their lives, tapping into the internet of the local ranger’s station to look for leads to new hunts.

  
It was mid-afternoon when they pulled up. The cabin looked nearly the same as always, with just a few extra signs of wear and tear. As Sam looked up at it, he resolved to do some maintenance to the place if they were there long enough.

  
“Don’t leave any food in the front seat.” He said to Dean as he left to jimmy the lock on one of the windows. It had been nearly a decade since anyone had seen the key to the property. “Raccoons in this kind of backwoods can be pretty determined.”

  
“Yeah, okay.” Dean said disbelievingly, pulling supplies out of the car. Sam had gotten the window open and was wandering through the dark and the dust to open the front door.

  
“I’m not kidding.” Sam said when he joined his brother at the car. He paused behind Dean to wrap his arms around him and plant a playful nip on his neck. “There was a sign next to the forest fire risk assessment about wild animals. Besides, if the raccoons aren’t interested, bears usually are.”

  
“Hey, it’d be cool to see a bear.” Dean said as he shrugged off Sam’s embrace. It stung, the rejection, but Sam had been becoming more aware of Dean’s distance the last few days. Sam knew that as the year wore on, Dean would slowly stop wanting to share a bed. He would be chaste with kisses. He may even go so far as to refuse sex. Not because he wasn’t interested, but to protect Sam. At least, that’s what Sam was hoping. Dean hadn’t very well come out and said the words.

  
“I think they’re cooler in the zoo. Behind their cages and moats.” Sam said, trying to shake off the feelings of hurt stirring inside of him.

  
“Moats?” Dean asked. “They have moats in zoos?” Dean walked up the small porch and into the house. Sam followed into the kitchen where they dumped their things on the small wooden table. Sam sank into one of the worn chairs. Dean leaned against the sink.

  
“Sure. You never noticed?” Sam asked. “They dig big trenches to keep little kids away or something.” Sam began to rifle through his bag, trying to find his laptop to start setting up the wifi. He hoped the rangers hadn’t learned about WEP keys or something more substantial since they’d been to the house last. He didn’t feel like having to hack anything.

  
“Makes sense.” Dean shrugged. “Must’ve not been paying attention.”

  
A suspicion began to nag at Sam. He turned from the bag and looked at his brother.

  
“Dean, you have been to a zoo, right?” He asked. He knew that their childhood had been far from normal, and there hadn’t exactly been day trips to the beach or the zoo or aquarium when Sam was growing up, but he had gone to the zoo with Jess at least twice the last year of their relationship. Sam had assumed that at some point Dean had gone. Or at the very least he had investigated a haunting from a mauled zookeeper or something.

  
“Uh, yeah. Love them. Which room do you want?” Dean asked, peering into the two bedrooms that shot off of the kitchen.

  
“The one on the right.” Sam said. Dean shrugged and dumped his stuff in the room Sam didn’t choose. Neither of them said it, but they both knew that Dean hated the room on the right. The one that had once been Jim’s. Sam didn’t like it much either, if he was honest with himself.

  
“Which zoo did you go to?” Sam asked, following his brother into the room.

  
“I don’t remember, Sam.” He said, annoyance evident in the lines on his face.

  
“Dean, you know the name of every diner with decent pie from North Dakota to Mississippi. How do you not remember the name of a single zoo?” Sam asked.

  
“Whatever. I’m gonna crash for a few hours. Wake me in a bit?” Dean asked, kicking off his boots and collapsing onto the bed. A layer of dust puffed into the air as his body made impact with the mattress.

  
“Can I join you?” Sam asked, tentatively.

  
Dean didn’t answer. Instead he breathed evenly. Too evenly. Sam knew that his brother was still awake, pretending to have crashed.

  
Even so, Sam leaned forward and stroked Dean’s back right where he liked it the most. Then Sam planted a kiss on the top of Dean’s head and left the room, closing the door behind him. After a quick moment to gather the panic growing in his chest, Sam opened his laptop bag and tapped into the wifi to begin doing some research.

  
A few hours later, Sam went into Dean’s bedroom and lay next to him on the bed. Gently, Sam ran his hand down Dean’s back and across his shoulders.

  
“Dean, c’mon man.” Sam said, softly. Dean stirred, and turned to face his brother.

  
“Hey Sammy.” He said, his voice still clouded with sleep.

  
“C’mere.” Sam said softly, pulling Dean close to him. For almost a minute Dean let Sam hold him close, kissing him deeply. But Sam knew the moment that Dean was fully awake, because his lips tightened and he began to edge away from him. Sam let him go, trying to calm the wrenching frustration growing inside of him.

  
Later that night, Sam didn’t try to slip into Dean’s bed. Not the way that they had been before Dean sold his soul, and certainly not the way that he had after. The first few months of trying to find Dean a way out of the deal involved long days of research and nights of holding each other, touching each other, and not very much sleep at all.

  
Instead, Sam mumbled about being tired pretty early in the evening and excused himself. Dean seemed confused at first, but an expression of reservation passed over his face in a mask and stayed there until Sam had shut the door to his chosen room.

  
Sam never heard the ragged breaths that wracked Dean’s body after he left. He didn’t see his brother go outside into the darkness and begin to kick violently at a rotten stump on the ground. Dean kicked until he felt like his foot had split open, and then he sank to the ground. He stared at the stars, trying to push away the feeling that whatever Hell would do to him, it wasn’t anywhere near the agony of pushing his Sammy away.

  
They stayed at Jim’s cabin for almost a week. On the third night, Sam crawled into bed with Dean, and he wasn’t turned away. On the fifth Sam pulled Dean into his lap and sucked on his lower lip until both of the brothers were rutting against each other desperately.

  
Neither brother had any sort of consistency as a “top” or a “bottom.” Even so, Dean didn’t make any effort to show dominance as they moved together. Once Sam had removed Dean’s jeans as well as his own Dean only laid on the bed, his legs folded casually until Sam spread them open and slipped between them, running his tongue up Dean’s length and his fingers over his opening. He paused only to grab the small clear bottle from his bag, and within minutes he was moving inside of his brother. Once they had each found their rhythm, Dean leaned forward and kissed Sam fully while Sam pressed himself deep into him. Sam was enraptured by his brother, and Sam’s whole body seemed to lighten the moment Dean had taken the initiative to kiss him. Dean even let Sam hold him afterwards, something that he had resisted for most of their relationship. For a few hours, it was almost as if the deal hadn’t happened. Dean had forgotten to be distant, to protect Sam. It was as if he yearned for their past closeness as much as Sam did. But Dean had always been far more capable of restraint.

  
It was this that encouraged Sam to go forward with his plan, and a quick call when Dean was out on a beer run the night before they left sealed it.

  
\---  
“Wake up, Sam.” Dean reached over from the driver’s seat and shook Sam awake.

  
“Wha?” Sam jolted awake, startled from sleep.

  
“Just got a call. There’s a haunting in San Diego.” Dean said. “Not sure where, but Bobby called with an address. Said a friend called in a favor or something.”

  
“And Bobby couldn’t handle it?” Sam asked, rubbing his eyes.

  
“We’re closer.” Dean said, turning onto the highway. “And I figured that asylum in Louisiana will still be abandoned next week, so we could go and check Bobby’s thing out. We’ll be there in ten or eleven hours.”

  
“Need me to drive?” Sam asked.

  
“Nah. We’ll switch in a few.” Dean said. “I’ll let you be the one to handle the California drivers.”

  
“Awesome.” Sam laughed a little, and then curled back up against the window.

  
By mid afternoon the next day, Sam was driving through the streets of San Diego while Dean slept heavily in the passenger seat. He double checked the address on the napkin that Dean had scribbled on and turned into the parking lot. It was pretty crowded, even for a school day, but Sam was able to find a spot all the same.

  
“Wake up, Dean.” Sam said, running his hand down Dean’s cheek.

  
“Here?” He asked, opening his eyes. He glanced out of the window and furrowed his brow. “Where in the hell did Bobby send us?”

  
“The San Diego Zoo.” Sam said, gesturing to the thatch-roofed zoo entrance set into a thicket of jungle foliage.

  
“What, is there a haunted tiger?” Dean scoffed.

  
“There is no haunting.” Sam said, bracing himself for Dean’s reaction.

  
Dean seemed confused. “But Bobby said-“

  
“Bobby was just helping to get you here.” Sam supplied, hoping his brother would connect the dots. When that didn’t seem to happen Sam sighed and opened the car door. “Come on.”

  
Dean followed Sam over to the zoo entrance, where a relatively small line was queuing.  
“Sam, what’s going on?”

  
“We’re at the San Diego zoo for the day, Dean.” Sam said, pulling out his wallet as they passed into the ticketing booth. He took the ticket stubs and the map that the woman behind the glass handed him and shuffled Dean inside.

  
“Okay.” Dean paused. “Why?”

  
“Because you’ve never been to a zoo.” Sam said, unfolding the map. He was desperately trying to keep his eyes off of Dean’s face as he was putting two and two together. “Now come on, we’ll start on the… ‘Hippo Trail’” Sam said, steering Dean through a few of the smaller exhibits.

  
“Dude, this is weird. And not like, cute weird. Pervy weird.” Dean said.

  
“Can you just…” Sam ran his fingers through his hair, shifting uncomfortably as mandrill swung from the large tree branch he had been sitting on and began to peer down his red nose at Sam from the other side of the glass. “Just go with it, okay? If you’re really that miserable in an hour, we’ll go.”

  
“Fine.” Dean said, pretending to glance at one of the info signs next to the mandrill exhibit.

  
They moved through exhibits for another fifteen minutes in silence, watching different species of monkey sleep, eat, play, and in a few cases stare maniacally out into the distance. Dean seemed genuinely interested in the orangutans, so they lingered there for awhile watching the heavy orange beast roll around in a large hammock made of netting. In time they made their way to the tigers, whose three-storey exhibit was something that even Sam, who had been to the San Diego zoo before, marveled at.

  
“Look at him!” Dean said, smiling and pointing to a huge Malayan tiger napping, sprawled-out under a small cave. “Do you see those feet? I bet he could take out a Wendigo no problem!” The sight of Dean’s wide grin sparked a feeling of happiness in Sam that he hadn’t felt in a very long time. Sam walked closer to Dean, and placed the hand on the small of his back as he peered close to the tigers in the exhibit.

  
Soon enough they settled into a rhythm as they toured the exhibits. Mostly, Dean would wander down the trail slowly, reading almost every sign and reading some of the more interesting facts out loud to Sam. While Dean read, Sam would look for the animals in the exhibit, so that he could point them out to Dean the second that he stopped reading. Then, Dean would watch the animals for a long time. Sam would peek at the animals sometimes, too. But mostly he watched Dean. It had been a long time since Dean’s body had this sort of easiness to it; no rigidity in his shoulders, no hard line on his jaw. Seeing Dean so relaxed made Sam want to wrap his arms around him and never let him go.

  
“What’s next?” Dean asked as he turned away from the crowded panda exhibit. Dean had been enamored with the panda cubs, but the press of people on the exhibit had scared him off a bit.

“Come on.” Sam said, taking his brother by the hand and leading him through something called the Asian Passage. At first, Sam expected Dean to drop his hand immediately; to shrug him off, or maybe even yank it back. But to his surprise, Dean weaved his fingers through Sam’s and held him right.  
They looked at the sun bears and a pretty terrifying-looking macaque, and then climbed a small hill towards a huge exhibit that was half underwater.  
The exhibit was surprisingly empty, probably because it was nearly lunchtime. Sam was glad, though, because the instant Dean saw which animals were behind the glass, he knew that getting Dean away from it would be impossible.

  
Swimming through the water were two gigantic polar bears, diving and playing with one another. A third, who was standing up a small hill on a mound of snow, was sprawled out on his belly and sliding down the snow bank. The look of sheer joy on Dean’s face was worth every dubious look that he had cast Sam these past few weeks.

  
When they were kids, Dean used to love to watch shows about polar bears on the shitty motel TVs. Unfortunately, animal shows didn’t come on much, so Sam and Dean would go to the library to look at picture books or to watch VHS tapes with polar bears on them. Sam knew that this was one of the best polar bear exhibits in the world.

  
There was a series of benches in front of the glass, and Sam brought Dean over to them so that they could watch the bears for awhile. Sam put his arm around his older brother, whose eyes were glued to the bear playing in the snow.

  
“Thank you.” Dean said in a low voice. Sam turned and saw that Dean had stopped watching the animals and was looking up at him instead.

  
“Of course.” Sam replied, leaning forward. Dean met him halfway, his lips slightly parted. They melted together, Dean’s hands on Sam’s jaw and neck and Sam holding onto his brother’s back and shoulders tight.

  
They didn’t talk about it, that thing that was looming over them. For the rest of the day, they walked down the different paths and Dean read from signs while Sam spotted the animals. They had lunch in the overpriced zoo café and before they left Sam bought Dean a small stuffed polar bear, no bigger than his hand.

  
When they chose a motel that night, Dean didn’t insist on two queen beds. He let the receptionist set them up with one king, and took it without complaint. They dumped their bags on the floor of the room and went out to dinner, picking a small Thai restaurant a few blocks away.

  
“They put tofu in freakin everything here.” Dean complained as they flipped through the menus.

  
“Just shut up and pick something.” Sam said with a low chuckle. He reached forward and put his hand on Dean’s, rubbing small circles over the knuckles of the hand so much smaller than his own. Sam tried to pretend that he didn’t feel Dean freeze at the contact. He wanted to believe that the relaxed, loving Dean that had come out at the zoo was there to stay.

  
But over the course of the dinner, Sam noticed more than one small sign that Dean was distancing himself again. When Sam offered his food to Dean, he pretended to be uninterested. When Sam reached his foot to rest against Dean’s under the table, Dean shifted away. They split the check instead of Dean letting Sam pay for it. All of these things were odd for even just a general day with Dean, but were so much worse when Sam knew what his brother was trying to do.

  
Once they got back to the room, Sam could practically feel the wall between them beginning to build. Slowly, brick by brick, as the seconds between the zoo and that moment grew in number.

  
“Dean, could you hold on a second?” Sam asked, trying to catch Dean before he became entranced by the numerous brochures on top of the bureau.

  
“What’s up, Sammy?” Dean asked, feigning a look of confusion.

  
“I just… can we talk?”

  
“No.” Dean said, putting the brochures down and walking away. In a moment, Dean had put the bathroom door between them. The lock clicked, and water began to run on the other side.

  
Sam knew that sheer determination could keep Dean in there for hours, and he couldn’t bear it. He walked up to the door and knocked softly.

  
“Dean?”

  
No answer.

  
“Dean? Please.”

  
Again, Sam was greeted by silence. He took a deep breath, and tried a third time.

  
“Please Dean, don’t make me lose you before you’re really gone.”

  
His voice had come out somewhere between a pitchy squeak and sob. Sam hadn’t been planning on that, and he was mortified. Pressing his lips together, Sam retreated from the door and laid down on the bed, one arm thrown over his eyes. Not realizing the physical toll of walking around the zoo that day, he didn’t even realize that he was falling asleep until Dean reentered the room, hair dripping and skin damp, waking him up.

  
“Sammy?” Dean said, tentatively.

  
Dean came over and sat down next to Sam on the bed, curling up beside him.

  
“Sammy, I’m sorry.” Dean said softly, stroking Sam’s arm. The younger Winchester turned to face his brother, trying to blink away sleep.

  
“Don’t push me away Dean. We still have time. We’ll get you out of this.” Sam murmured. His voice was small.

  
“I’m just trying to protect you.” Dean said. “And I was trying to protect me. I’m scared, Sam. I’m scared of losing you, and I’m scared of Hell.”

  
“I know, Dean.” Sam said, reaching for Dean. He cradled him in his arms, wishing that he could hold his brother, the single person he had in the world, tight enough that he would never be taken from him. “I’m scared too.”

They spent the rest of that day evening huddled together, trying desperately to protect themselves and each other from the terrible truth that lingered just outside of their door.

  
When the sun peeked through the window shades the next morning, Sam groaned and rolled over. With his head pressed face-down into the pillow, he didn’t see Dean get up and make his way over to his duffel. It came as a pretty big surprise when Dean leaned over his brother’s tall, lean body and nipped a trail of playful nips from Sam’s lower back to his collar.

  
“Wake up, Sammy.” Dean said playfully. Sam rolled over. He could see that Dean was naked, kneeling on the bed beside him.

  
“Atta boy.” Dean smiled, leaning down to kiss Sam. He bit Sam’s lower lip, hard, causing a pulse to run through Sam’s stomach and down the length of his cock. A line was beginning to form against his boxers.

  
“Dean.” Sam rasped, pulling his brother closer to be flat against his chest. He could feel the length of Dean’s shaft pressing against his hipbone. The pressure caused Dean to rut against him, his breath coming out in shallow chuffs as he pressed into Sam.

  
“Dean, please.” Sam said, reaching down and running a fist along his brother’s cock. Dean smiled and trailed his fingers down Sam’s chest, reaching to slide them below the elastic waistband of Sam’s briefs. He ran a calloused finger over Sam’s slit, and pressed at the soft underside of his brother’s tip.  
Sam let out a ragged groan and pressed himself up into Dean’s touch, which wrapped around his length and began to slide down to his base and then up again. Dean set a languid pace and Sam followed, matching his brother’s rhythm until his body was almost pained with want.

  
His briefs were off and crumpled by the foot of the bed soon enough, kicked off by Sam in a desperate attempt to increase Dean’s heat on him. The fingers on Dean’s free hand were sliding teasingly along Sam’s opening. With a jolt, Sam felt the coolness of lubricant. He gripped his brother just a tiny bit harder as Dean’s fingers- one, then two, and finally three- pumped into him. Sam timed his fist to his brother’s pressing hands, and then gave up trying to keep any sense of rhythm going when Dean started curling his fingers up against Sam’s inner walls with every thrust. With his other hand, Sam reached and pressed two fingers firmly under Dean’s perineum, eliciting a grunt from the older Winchester.

  
“Shit, Sammy.” Dean said through gritted teeth. “I’m gonna, I want to-“

  
“Do it.” Sam replied, taking his hands off of Dean so that he could grip underneath his knees and spread himself wide for his brother.

  
Dean wasted no time, slicking his cock with lubricant and pressing his tip against Sam’s tight ring of muscles. He wanted so badly to go slowly, to fill his brother reverently, but the pressure closing around his cock was too much. He slid into Sam up to the hilt, gasping at the tightness and the heat as he withdrew and then pressed inside again in rapid succession. His hands were clutched around Sam’s biceps, using Sam’s body to gather momentum.  
Sam felt his brother to his core, warmth spreading through his chest and stomach as Dean pounded into him, sweat pooling on his forehead. His cock was leaking droplets of precome onto his lower abdomen and he reached down to fist himself rapidly.

  
“Sammy.” Dean moaned, sliding out again and thrusting back in. “Sammy, Sammy Sammy.”

  
Hearing his name murmured with a cadence made Sam release himself and pull Dean closer on top of him, pressing their chests together. He pried Dean’s mouth open with his tongue and pressed against the roof of Dean’s mouth, slid behind his teeth, and pushed in front of his upper lip.

  
With Dean this close, Sam was able to reach behind Dean and press his finger against his opening, then another. As Sam’s fingers began to work against Dean, he felt a shudder ripple down Dean’s body like a wave.

  
An instant later, Dean came inside of Sam. As his body released, Dean’s eyes screwed shut and his mouth hung open in a silent groan. He kept thrusting into Sam until his body became wracked with the pulsations of orgasm. He then pulled his spent cock out of his brother so that he could kneel closer and begin to fist at Sam’s cock. Seconds later, Sam came with an audible grunt.

  
They cleaned themselves up with Sam’s abandoned boxers and then lay down next to each other, Dean’s stomach pressed against Sam’s. Dean ran his hand over Sam’s chest while Sam watched his brother’s eyes blink heavily.

  
“We have a few more hours until checkout. May as well enjoy them.” Sam whispered, running a hand across Dean’s sweaty forehead.

  
“Alright.” Dean smiled, snuggling close to Sam. His eyes drooped closed.

  
“I love you Dean.” Sam said. “And you’re going to be okay.”

  
“I know, Sam.” Dean said, his mouth pressed against Sam’s shoulder. “I have you.”


End file.
